It's just a car?

I had to say goodbye to my husband's car today and can't believe how hard that was. He bought it on finance and still owed a significant amount of money on it. It is also a big car that is heavier on the petrol and harder to park than my little car, so my logical mind knew it wasn't something I should hold on to. 

 I didn't want to keep it to drive, but a big part of me did want to keep it to sit in our garage as a memorial to his memory. Not practical (and a very expensive memorial that I don't have they money to pay for right now) so I decided the finance company could have it back to sell and settle his debt. 

 When I sat it in one last time, the grief was so overwhelming. I know it's 'just a car' but in a way if felt like I was saying goodbye to him all over again. 

His car was a big extension of himself. We have so many memories in that car. 

When we were first dating he would drive an hour (return trip) to my house to pick me up and drop me home again, where I sat nervously in the passenger seat, wondering if he was going to kiss me or if I was lingering too long saying goodnight. Like a teenager! 

 The first time I saw that car was on our third date. We'd met in the city after I'd finished work to see a movie (the Inbetweeners) and then grab dinner at my favourite Italian restaurant. Afterwards we walked to a basement car park under the shopping centre and, being December, it was very hot and humid. He led me to the car and started the engine, running the air conditioner so I could sit in cool comfort while he went back to the pay station to pay for his parking. I sat there, full of excitement, thinking 'wow, what a gentleman. And what a nice car he has!'. 

 It was one the first places I learnt what a good and decent man he was. The fact that he would drive all that way to collect me before our dates, and then see me home again and refuse to let me catch public transport or drive myself. Previous boyfriends would never have gone so far out of their way. One had even asked me to collect him, so he could enjoy a few drinks! 

 Dan was the man I'd waited my whole life to meet and I realised that when he was driving me around in his car. Later on in our relationship when we had progressed to the stage of spending most nights together, at either his place or mine, he would drive me to work each morning which added at least half an hour to his commute. He said he didn't want me to have to cram in to a busy peak hour train and also wanted to spend that extra time with me. What a man! It quickly became our favourite ritual - where we chatted about the challenges ahead of us in our work days and our plans for the evening or the weekend or the future in general. While planning our wedding we would listen to music on the way to work and chose songs for the big day. I had never enjoyed getting stuck in traffic so much, because it meant precious extra minutes with my beloved! 

On rare days when he couldn't drive me to work due to an early meeting in the opposite direction, we both missed that special time together so much. I can’t believe I can never have it again. 

 We had so many road trips and adventures in that car. My 'Valentine of the Year' weekend up at Noosa (where he made a gift certificate for a romantic weekend away, right down to the line 'I'm driving but you will have full control of the iPod!); driving me down to the Gold Coast on our 5th date for lunch before dropping me at a friend's house at Palm Beach, who I was going to see the Foo Fighters that night (he said it was another chance to spend time with me and saved me having to drive down by myself!); road trips to the Sunshine Coast or Gold Coast (including going to ‘Ripley’s Believe It Or Not... his choice, I teased him so much about how silly it was!); a weekend in Yamba with friends; weekend outings, starting with a lazy breakfast following by wandering around home wares and furniture stores, looking for the perfect pieces for our lovely new dream home. God, I miss him so much.

It isn't just a car; it is home to some of the most wonderful moment of our life together. Him behind the wheel, king of the road, and me by his side. I had never been happier in all my life. There was nowhere else I'd have rather been than sitting in the passenger seat of that beautiful car. 

 Sometimes it feels like I'm coping ok and am going to be ok and other times the grief is so heavy I can hardly move or breathe. Letting go of his car is another chapter in letting go of Dan. 

How the hell am I going to be when it comes time to move out of our house : (