Shock wave again

I know this is still only 'early days' without Dan, but I'm still surprised at how much my emotions rise and fall.  It feels like just when I'm getting my head around it and accepting it, I get another wave of shock.  

I returned to work last week and was sitting at my desk this afternoon, half listening to a couple of the girls chatting about their partners a few desks away and suddenly became aware of an intense 'sick' feeling in my stomach. It took me a moment until I worked out it was knots of disbelief that I 'lost' my husband and couldn't casually share stories about something funny he said last night, etc.

It hit me again, how can he be dead?! I mean, HOW did the HAPPEN to me?!?! Seriously, WHAT THE F$%#!!?!!? 

I just can't believe it. It's still so WRONG and SURREAL. I can't believe my Dan got to such a dark place where he would leave me like that. I HATE that this monster we call depression took my husband.  I HATE it so so much.

I hear myself tell the story to someone new and think 'as if that happened, that DOESN'T happen. Especially not to people like us'. Even on tv you'd think it was an unrealistic storyline. I KNEW Dan, and he LOVED me and was happy with our life!! 

I thought he had mild depression, which was causing the symptoms like memory loss and lack of concentration.  I thought the medication was slowly starting to make him feel better. I had no idea he was protecting me from the true extent of his pain and battling this relentless monster. 

Even as I go over the facts for what must be the 500th time, it doesn't actually feel REAL.  If it felt REAL then I wouldn't be able to breath right now, I wouldn't be able to type because my hands would be balls of fury and fear and I wouldn't be able to see the computer screen through the waterfall of tears.  

So I must still be in denial on some level.  How I HATE that this happened to us.  This wasn't supposed to be our story.  How the hell did I get here. And how the hell will I ever get out.