15 weeks

Last night I stayed at my parent's house on the Sunshine Coast, an hour north of Brisbane. It was only my second night away from our home and our bed - the first night away was for my best friend's wedding at Byron Bay only 4 weeks after Dan passed away, and it was a blur.

I was really anxious about it, in the days leading up. Anxious that it would be too difficult to be away from our 'things' and my memories of him. 

I get so much comfort from being in the home that we established together, as if I'm dutifully keeping it nice and playing housewife the way I would if he were here.

Despite my trepidation it ended up being a nice, relaxing weekend away with my parents and sister. 

But now I'm home again, back in our bed, a storm is brewing and the sadness is setting in. Again. 

Until now I've had a positive few days - feeling strong, feeling like I'm going to be ok, feeling like I get it. Now it's dark and I'm alone again and I just want him back. 

This really is the worst. I always thought I could do anything with Dan by my side. 

We used to say that to each other - in his wedding speech he said 'together we can take on anything, it's us against the world and nothing else matters'.

I wish he'd remembered that on the morning he died. The promises he'd made me. The vows we took. Maybe he did ... but his depression told him that this was something unbeatable and he would be saving me from that darkness if he took it away. 

My poor darling. I know he loved me more than anything and would never, ever have hurt me. He was so protective of me. So gentle with me. So thoughtful and sensitive and caring. Damn depression for taking him from me. It's so unfair.

I know people move forward from this pain but I'm baffled as to how. I read every book I can find, go to support groups and counseling, talk about my feelings and confusion and anger and pain with those around me ... But I can't find the process for getting out of this hole. I know I will miss him forever, so how is it supposed to get easier? It's just so complicated.