Milestone

100 days ... I've racked up a century without my husband. My days as a widow are in the triple figures... If this was AA, wouldn't I get some kind of badge?

How I've survived this long, I have no idea. Actually - that's not true, I do have an idea.

I've survived because of my top shelf friends. The stand-by-you-in-tough-times friends, the ones who've carried me when my world collapsed and who have nursed me with their kindness, compassion and patience. They have gathered around me in a protective huddle and when cracks of shearing pain show, they jostle to shield me, so I can continue to breath.

I've survived because of my family. My sister who stepped into the role of confidant and care-giver, who has been literally holding my hand every moment - from each solicitor or accountant appointment to the dark nights where the loneliness is at it's deepest. My parents, who have been here every week, keeping my house and garden in order, magically turning dirty laundry into freshly folded piles of comfort and putting their own broken hearts to the side, while they gently tend to mine.

I've survived because of Dan's family and friends, a tight web or genuine love and good will, reaching out with comforting touches to assure me that I'm not alone in my pain, that there is a world full of people crying for this loss, determined to stick together and form tighter links that will bind me to his memory. Bonds that will never die.

I've survived because of the kindness of strangers. The new work colleagues who opened their hearts to me with an instant acceptance that allowed me to grieve in a way that was honest and unashamed. The professional service providers, like funeral directors and solicitors, who use their wisdom and knowledge to gently guide the freshly bereaved through this barren wasteland, and we're gentle and compassionate.

And I've survived because of who I am. The strength, courage and tenacity from within that I didn't know existed. The woman who bloomed in the light of Dan's love, and became a better person from knowing him. Whatever it was that he saw in me, I've never been able to fully understand. But glimpses of that person come through now and then, giving me motivation to go on, as he wanted, and continue to live in his light.