Every week I feel like I'm learning more and more about my grief. Just when I think I understand it intimately, it surprises me again, with the way it constantly changes.
Some days I feel sadder about him dying (and our lost future plans together). Some days I am consumed by the pain of his suicide and how horrible it must have been for him. When I think about the darkness that he must of been struggling with, and how hard he fought to protect me, by heart aches.
Some days I miss myself - my happiness, the person I was before. And some days I just miss him. That's where I am today. I just want to tell him a story and see him smile and hear his laugh and hug him. I really, really miss him. I keep having to fight the compulsion to text him, knowing it would only go to his old work phone, which is either disconnecting or being used by some other person.
This grief is so complicated and exhausting. I hate it so much, I hate this heaviness in my heart - and I'm so sick of feeling so lonely.
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