The physical ache

Tomorrow will be 6 months since Dan died. It's such a weird thought that it doesn't even seem logical.  I was walking to work from the train this morning and got this sudden random urge to hug him, like my whole body started aching.  

I wanted him to be standing in front of me so I could just throw myself at him and feel his entire length against mine.  It came on so suddenly that I couldn't breathe for a moment.  It felt so real, like I could see him there and the ache to reach out and touch him was like an electrical current running through me.  

As soon as I could pull myself together I tried to push the feeling out of my head and ignore the urges, because there's no point in embracing them.  I'll never be able to hold him again, so no comfort or good is ever going to come of it.
  
Made me think of all the times he was away for work and we'd phone or text each other to talk about how we couldn't wait to hold each other again.  Which then makes me think about all the times he said he couldn't live without me and can't believe he ever did before.  Which then makes me wonder HOW he thought I'd be able to live without him - which makes me think of his suicide... which drags me into the hole of confusion and despair.  

So on days like today where the grief isn't suffocating me, I'm trying not to let it in.