Being pulled back down

I'm really struggling with the 'why's tonight... Why did he do this, why didn't he ask for help, why didn't he tell me/anyone what was going on? 

How did my gentle, sweet, loving husband get to that dark, scary place? And how long was he there before he gave in? Days? Weeks? Months or years? Had he come close before? Had he even tried before and failed? Or was this a sudden psychotic episode, as we first suspected? 

Was the darkness there before we met and fell in love 18 months earlier? How did we all miss it? And how did he think we'd all be 'ok' without him? 

How was my love not enough? How could he do this to his parents? How could he leave me like that after promising to love me and care for me? How did this happen to him?

I know I'll never get the answers. So how am I ever going to let go of the questions? 

I feel so heart-broken tonight and miss my baby so much.