I was fishing around in some old emails today looking for something and stumbled across some conversations between my best friend and I back around the time Dan proposed.
I had been gushing to her about how over the course of a month or so Dan had casually started looking at engagement rings as we walked past jewelry shops, pointing out different styles and asking me (hypotheticaly, he insisted!) which ones I liked.
In one message I said:
"last night we were walking about the shopping centre and everytime we walked past a jewellery store I kind of slowed down to look in the windows, as we usually did, but he kept the pace and and dragged me on (holding my hand).
"I must have gone a bit quiet (I really love looking at rings with him!!) and later on he asked if there was anything on my mind, etc. I mentioned about how I'd noticed he didn't seem interested in rings any more and hoped he still wasn't upset about me jokingly pointing out silly, expensive rings, and was a tiny bit worried that it turned him off the whole idea.
"He just laughed and gave me a big hug and said 'there's a reason I don't want to look at rings anymore baby, but don't worry - it's not that at all, it's the opposite, it's a good reason!!". OMG!!! :)
"He was also really sweet and soppy last night... we were going to spend a rare night apart since we both had to pack for our weekend at the Coast (we're leaving straight from work today) but he called and said he missed me too much and wanted to see me, so he came and met me at the shops (where I was helping mum get her phone fixed) and then drove me home so I could pack before driving me back to his house.
"He admitted that he just feels so mopey when I'm not around and it scares him a bit how much he's changed to need me in his life. He said that he'd never want to go back to the way he was before - so independent and preferring his own company, because he felt numb and ignorant and didn't realise what he was missing out on before we met. He said he loves me so much that he sometimes gets scared about how he'd cope if something happened to me or my feelings changed and I left him.
"I can't believe this is the guy who, when we first met, would leave it a week to text and warned me he needed a lot of space and time to himself! He makes me feel so special and loved and needed. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere :)"
....
Reading over how excited and gushy I was at this pivotal moment in our relationship, it took me right back to how incredibly lucky I felt to have found this amazing love. For the first time in my life I could be totally vulnerable and open and didn't have to worry about feeling rejected or let down.
Here was this incredible man I respected and adored and he treated me like a princess and made me feel like I was blessing HIM with my presence!
Knowing we would be engaged soon and starting the rest of our lives together, I was the happiest I'd ever been. So content, secure, confident - it resonated through every corner of my life and made me a better person.
I'm glad I didn't know that my time with him would be cut short and the pain that was to come.
The happiness we shared was so special. I will always have that.
It's nice remembering moments like this. They're always followed by a wall of tears and heartache that he's gone - but I fear that the alternative (not remembering these moments at all) is much worse.
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