A team of one

My first Easter without Dan starts tomorrow. This time last year we were cuddled up on the lounge, so excited to be spending four whole days together. Good Friday saw us dedicate a whole day to playing Canasta with my best friend and her then-fiancé (now husband). Such a happy memory. 

I have things organized this weekend with family and friends, which I'm looking forward to - along with some rest and down time. 

I am very comfortable and happy with my own company and I was looking forward to a quiet night in front of the tv to start my long weekend but when I walked through the front door, threw my handbag on the table, kicked off my shoes and flopped on the lounge, it hit me again - I'm alone. 

I'm a team of one. My partner is gone. I have people I can call but then it's not the 'quiet night in' I was craving. I don't want to socialize or entertain, I want my time out, recharging my batteries, but with by best friend and lover by my side, quietly sharing my space and making me cups of tea. I loved that quiet time together. Alone but with company.

Sometimes I look at photos of Dan and I and wonder if I just dreamt it. Did it really happen at all? It was so magical, surely it must have been a dream. 

I struggle to recall the softness of his lips, the way his strong arms would wrap around me, making me feel like I'd found my home. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, melting my heart. Or the music of his laughter. The smell of his neck when I buried my face in it. 

The edges of these memories are starting to fade. Have I let them blur in hope that it will also take the sharp edges off my pain? It hurts to remember because it makes me ache for him so. But how do I let go without losing him altogether? I want to hold on to those memories, but is it like gripping a sharp blade, that's cutting in to my flesh unless I loosen my grasp? This path is so confusing and difficult to navigate.

I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.