Yesterday was nine months since Dan died. All day I kept waiting for it to hit and for me to collapse in a heap, but I didn't. I shed a few tears, as I do most days, and thought of him constantly but it's like ... I crumble, acknowledge what I'm feeling and then it passes and I continue with what I'm doing.
I spoke to my counsellor last week about how I feel like I've been doing 'ok' and always get a bit worried when I go through a patch where the grief isn't totally consuming me. I confessed I was worried that I was in denial again or just letting myself be numb - because HOW can I possible be 'ok'?!
She said I'm just moving up the steps and looking forward to what's ahead of me still rather than getting stuck or only looking back at what I've lost.
Is that crazy? Is it even possible?
I know it's different for everyone and I know there will be more dark days again where the pain and grief is so heavy that it's almost impossible to breath, and it will always be there in some form but can I actually be getting through this mess?
It's weird but I'm not sure I'm ready to get to that stage where I'm 'ok' more than I'm not. Sometimes I miss the constant, unrelenting ache where it hurts so bad I couldn't breathe. Because I know it comes from my deep, true love for him and I'm honoring his memory with my pain.
Today I realised that I'm used to this life on my own again - cooking for one; maintaining the house; making decisions alone. Basically I'm not waiting for him to walk back through the door anymore. It's like life without him is starting to feel 'normal'. And that's SO WRONG!!!
A month ago I still couldn't believe I had to go home to a house where he wouldn't be there - but tonight I have to actively force myself to remember how wonderful it was to fall asleep in his arms each night, because it's been so long, it no longer feels 'normal'.
That makes me so sad but deep down I guess it's probably a good thing that I'm not in that constant state of physically aching to hold him (it definitely still comes and goes but not as often anymore).
My preference will always be that he is here with me. However I know it can never be. My heart has accepted that, so as a consolation prize, I still want to try and live a full life on his behalf. I hopefully have a lot of living to do yet, before I get to go and join him again. I don't want it to only be about the pain of his loss. But am I failing to properly honor him if I accept a life without him in it?
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