Denial, again

I just found my mind wandering, thinking about Dan.  About the card and gift he got me for to open on the morning of our wedding.  

Thinking about my beautiful pearl bracelet and how I planned to wear it every wedding anniversary when we went out to dinner to celebrate and my thought process went:

'... I can't wait to celebrate our wedding anniversary, Dan is so sweet and romantic...

... but Dan isn't here anymore, he's gone...

... no, he would never leave me like that, what a ridiculous notion.  He ADORED me and hated being apart from me, so no - he would never, ever leave me, he could never do that, he just loved me too much and I loved him too much, we're way too happy together ... 

... but he did leave, he killed himself. The police came to the door, remember? He's dead ...

and I feel my insides crumbling again and my world falling apart.  

Then I have to remind myself it wasn't Dan who left me, it was the disease that took him from me.  

God, it's so exhausting.  And I still can't believe it.  For a split second I DON'T believe it... it just can't be.  

I wish he saw that; that it just can't be.  That's it's a ridiculous, impossible notion. That we're too much in love and I couldn't bear to be apart from him too.