He took my life too...

Sometimes it just comes on out of the blue, like a tidal wave.  My husband didn't just take his life… he took my life too.  How could he not have seen that?

I've thought so many times about how he could have done this, thinking that his family, friends and I would all be 'ok'. Like, how did he think I'd take the news? Did he realise police would come to my door and my world would fall apart? Who did he think would look after me when I fell apart. How did he think his family and friends would ever accept it... after hours and hours of discussing this with his best friends, sister, etc, we can't come up with any answer, but that he must not have been able to consider any of these things, because there's no way he would have done this.

Ever since we fell in love, he only ever wanted to take care of me and make me smile. It took me so long to get used to that, and accept that he wasn't going to let me down or hurt me. And he was so good at it. He never said an angry or thoughtless or selfish word to me. He constantly put my needs before his.

I miss him so d@mn much, but on top of that - I also miss having a husband to share my life with. And I miss the intimacy - physical and emotional.  When I married the love of my life at age 32, I thought that I finally had that sorted out.

I made a really, really good wife and was excited about hopefully being a mother too. It breaks my heart that I won't get to do that with Dan. And on top of that pain, I'm so lonely now - and know I'm going to be lonely for a long time. Ironically, this time in my life is when I need him the most.  To deal with being a widow!

I'm surrounded by family and friends, but I'm lonely for Dan. For that intimacy, support, connection and love. I adored him, he was all I'd ever wanted and I was so happy. And I remember also being so AWARE of how lucky I was. I cherished what I found with him, and never took it for granted because I had looked for it for so long.

As much as I love my friends - and am comfortable spending time in my own company - there's no comparison to what I finally found with him. And it's so UNFAIR that I lost it so soon after finding it (6 weeks and 3 days after we were married), and making that commitment to share it with each other for life.

Some well-meaning friends have tried to assure me that I'll meet someone again and I won't be alone forever, and I know there's a good chance of that, but it's going to be a LONG time before I'm ready.

I was ready to share my life with someone NOW and I've been pushed back so far in that process. It's like: before I met Dan I was at '0' - ready to fall in love. Then at the time of our wedding and his death I was at '10' - perfectly happy and secure. Now, I'm not actually back to '0', I'm actually further back, at 'negative 10' …  so far away from getting to zero again because I have a long journey in front of me before I can even think about letting anyone in. And I hate that!

I obviously don't want to be with anyone else yet, because I want Dan. But I also want that life that I finally found with him and I hate that it's so far from my reach. I know I need to accept that, and focus on getting through the 'now', and be patient, etc.

Sometimes the pain of not just losing him, but losing my whole life and my future, just gets too much. Like today.