I loved watching how whenever we came back to each others' side, my hand would naturally and comfortably slip into Dan's, our fingertips caressing the others' knuckles comfortingly.
I loved seeing the little smiles he would shoot me, with his cheeky grin and loving gaze.
I loved watching our gentle hugs and resting my head on his shoulders.
But when I was able to drag my eyes away from Dan, I was also surprised to see something else...
It was the content, happy, confident woman that I was before Dan died. I had forgotten her and it took me a moment to recognize myself.
Obviously I was extra happy in the film footage because it was such a beautiful day, but I had forgotten the way I'd walk into a room when Dan was by my side. His love had healed many of my former insecurities and self-doubts and validated me in a way that gave me an unprecedented level of confidence.
I also saw a glimmer of innocence and hope in my eye that has also since disappeared. Back then, I was naive to how cruel and painful life could be. That light-hearted, joyful glow has been replaced with a heavy emptiness that I now carry around like a dark shadow.
I really miss that woman. Not as much as I miss Dan, but I would like to see her again one day too.
However I suspect it will be a very long time before we're reunited. And I despair that even if she gets her confidence and joy back, I'm afraid her innocence is most likely gone forever, taken by depression along with her darling husband.
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