Support group

Tonight I went to my first 'suicide bereavement support group'. I was so nervous and didn't know what to expect, but it was full of NORMAL people, just like me.

 As the meeting unfolded and people shared stories about what they'd overcome this month and how they'd dealt with anniversaries, questions from their children, etc, I kept forgetting they'd lost their people to suicide / mental illness too. When I remembered I was so surprised again that I wasn't the only one.

 One man who'd lost his partner 16 months ago said we're part of an exclusive club that no one wants to join, and he was so right. As much as I'm sad for these lovely people being in this community with me, it was so nice not to be alone.

 At six weeks, I was the newest member by far, the others were at least a year in to their journey. It was nice to see some of them making progress, but also sad to see those who after two years or more where still crying for their lost loved ones.

 I'm so protective of Dan's memory and the stigma that comes with suicide that I usually feel compelled to go into long explanations including: 'yes, he loved me', 'yes, he was HAPPY', 'yes, he loved life, but he died of a disease'. 'No, he wasn't a coward', 'no, he wasn't weak', etc. It was refreshing that I didn't have to do that with these people.

I was thinking at work today that I'd really like to put some photos up of Dan at my desk, including a couple of favourite wedding photos. But I'm reluctant to prompt questions from well-meaning colleagues who don't know that he's passed away.

 I've been struggling with this since starting the job... usually I'd build a little corner for myself, and 'nest', but I'm still so unsure of my 'story' now that I don't know what to do. Like everything else, I think just have to trust my instincts on this. I can't make clear decisions a lot of the time, so I experience with things and wait until something feels right. I can always take them down if it's too hard.

Like wearing my rings... I move Dan's wedding from the forefinger on my left hand, to my right hand, to a chain around my neck. And my engagement ring has been flirting with my right hand, because wearing it with my wedding ring (which hasn't budged from it's rightful home) seems to jubilant and celebratory. Sometimes I want people to see them together and admire them, and sometimes my wedding ring alone feels more subdued and appropriate.

 Again, no rush. Every day is different and time will tell.